Repeat Offender

I often find myself coming to the Lord in prayer repenting for some sin for the 800th time and telling him that this time it's going to be different.  This time, I really do want to change this behavior.  I plead for his help in doing so.  I ask to recognize the promptings of the Spirit to gain strength as I try to change these behaviors.  And then I do great.  For a day, or a week, or maybe even a month.  And then those stinky little behaviors worm their way back into my life.  Habits that can't quite be rooted out.  And I find myself on my knees again.  Serious this time, I'm sure.

I'm certain I'm not the only repeat sinner in the world.  And I'm also certain that I probably can't lick every sin I recognize in one try.  But watching conference this weekend I realized (have you noticed that this blog is turning into the things I realize blog?  Perhaps I should rename it...) that my approach is often wrong.  When Donald L. Halstrom said that it's possible to be active in the church, but not the gospel, he really caught my attention.  I often focus too much on behavior and not enough on the cause of that behavior, good or bad.  I thought about Elder Uchtdorf telling us last Relief Society broadcast to remember the why of the gospel.  Actions truly are a symptom of something deeper.

During the stuff they have on between sessions on Sunday I was also struck by a sister talking about her road to overcoming her addiction to food.  She talked about the 12 step program being focused on having a change of heart.  She said she initially went with the intent to change her behavior,  not her heart.  Light bulb!  I go to the Lord and ask him to change my behavior, but I keep that little corner of my heart that was causing it, closed.  So of course it creeps back into my life.  Asking the Lord to help me change my behavior and not my heart is like asking a doctor to only treat the symptoms of a disease when he has the capacity to cure it.

I read this morning from Alma 5 about the mighty change of heart that comes with being converted to the gospel.  I hope my actions are good, but not because I want to live the gospel like some checklist, not because I want others to see that I'm a good member of the church, not because I'm afraid of the consequences if I miss a step. I hope my actions are good because they are a symptom of my heart being fully converted to and active in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. 

Even Nephi Needed Grace

A few weeks ago I had the chance to study 2 Nephi 4 in my personal study, our family study, and in Sunday school. I have always loved this passage of scripture.  The language is beautiful.  Nephi is honest and real.  My heart breaks for him in his tragic situation.  He just lost his father and now his brothers who he should be mourning with are becoming even more like enemies.  He starts his song in sorrow and ends by praising the Lord and reaffirming his faith. I've always looked up to Nephi as a perfect example.  I wish I had his faith, his obedience, his talent for pondering, and so many other things.

This time I saw something I hadn't noticed before in this chapter.  In verses 31-32 Nephi is asking the Lord to redeem his soul despite his shortcomings, "O Lord, wilt thou redeem my soul?  Wilt thou deliver me out of the hands of mine enemies?  Wilt thou make me that I may shake at the appearance of sin? 
May the gates of hell be shut continually before me, because that my heart is broken and my spirit is contrite!..." I have always and will continue to always look up to Nephi for his strength; however, in this passage he didn't cite his strength as merit for his salvation.  He pleaded to Heaven to be saved because his heart was broken and his spirit contrite.  He didn't say save me because I was the only one who was obedient.  He didn't say save me because I never lost faith.  He didn't say save me because my trials have been so hard.  He said save me because I'm doing all that I can do and repenting for the rest.  He understood and relied wholly on the Atonement of Jesus Christ for his salvation. 

I can and should look up to Nephi but I don't need to worry that I'm not as good as Nephi.  I'll probably never be as obedient and my faith will probably falter in ways his never did.  I may never learn to receive revelation the way he did.  But it doesn't matter.  The Lord asks for all we can do and then says his grace is sufficient for the rest.  My best and Nephi's best may not be the same, but the grace of Christ applies to us both equally.  I too can pray to be saved because my heart is broken and my spirit is contrite.  I can't be perfect on my own.  With Nephi I can rejoice in the strength of my Savior and pray for strength to become better.  The gospel of Jesus Christ isn't about comparing, it's not about being as good as someone else or meeting certain bench marks of righteousness to attain salvation.  It's about creating a partnership with our Savior and learning to live our lives with him.

clarity of thought, or wo unto the hyprocites, or my political repentance

The process of writing often helps me realize what it is I really think about something.  When I was a student writing papers it often occurred that I would finish up all 10 pages (why are papers always 10 pages?  And why was that never enough room for me?  Thoughts for another day...), write my conclusion, and then find my real thesis.  The next draft would start with the preceding draft's conclusion as introduction and the process would begin again.  Eventually I figured out what I really thought.

As I been pondered the last angry political post I realized, gasp, that I have some political repenting to do.  And not just about writing about a conversation without first asking the person (sorry sister-in-law's husband!).  I realized, although I think I've known it all along and just chose not to think too much about it, that my attitude is a big fat part of what I see as political problems.  I rant and rave about the blame game and polarization and extreme politics and then I sit on my tush and choose to do nothing.  I distance myself from voters who are willing to actively engage in the political process and stick my tongue out at them.  I won't play until they come to my playground.  I want a political party to look and think just like me before I'll step on board.  But here's the thing, it's never going to look or think anything close to me if I don't dive in and share what I think.  I complain about extreme politics, but people who are extremely conservative and extremely liberal are the only ones voting (hyperbole, I know).  Politicians appeal to the people who elect them.  If I want something different then I need to be loud enough that someone wants to appeal to me. 

So here's my plan: I'm not hiding from politics anymore.  I'm diving in.  I'm going to do something everyday to inform myself.  I'm not going to stop reading or change the radio station because I don't like the way someone is talking about something.  I'm going to push my anger aside and listen.  I'm going to try to see past the extreme way people talk about politics and see what the heart of the matter is.  I know I can't know everything, that's why we live in a Republic, folks.  But I can try to learn as much as is prudent for me in my situation.  And then I'm going to join a party.  And I'm going to vote in the primary.  And by a party, I mean the Republican party.  It's just that it still makes me a little queasy to think about and writing it makes it real.   This does not mean I will always vote strait ticket Republican and it does not mean that I love the Tea Party.  I'm joining this party because I feel it closer resembles me than the other alternatives.  I do plan on being as involved as I can be.  Like (eventually) getting involved at the local level and all that jazz. Because that's where my opinions can really be heard and actually mean something.  I'm going to stop letting other people's votes count for me.  

Maybe this isn't the best place or time, but I still do have issues with the party I'm about to join I need to get off my chest before I make the leap.  The hardest thing for me is that I feel like this party often misses that policy applies to people.  Social issues like immigration, abortion, same sex marriage, and even health care reform are not black and white issues to me.  I don't believe in abortion as a practice, but my heart aches for the woman who can't see another option.  I believe in the sanctity of traditional family, but it hurts when I see people who love each other and are denied basic rights that can be attained through a simple legal contract.  I believe in the law, but I also believe that immigrants are people, most of whom come here with noblest of intentions.  I'm not sure how I feel about health care reform, I do know that I'm an uninsured American and sometimes it sucks.  I don't necessarily disagree with Republican ideas on these issues, I do disagree with the way these issues are talked about.  Would it hurt to have a little compassion and recognize that we're messing with the way people make decisions and live their lives?  Can we acknowledge that these issues are complex and there's more than one side to the story and there might be more than one right answer and that any right answer will probably include compromise?  And can we please take notice that real people with real families live in countries with sucky governments we choose to go to war with? 
Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. 

Now that the confession is over, I need your help.  Where do you get your information?  What's your favorite way to stay informed?  I don't have all day to read, but I don't want to only read one perspective either.  Do you have a favorite news station or political blog?  Is there a great podcast I can subscribe to?  Thanks for your help!

Hi, my name is Kayce, and I'm not a Republican

A few weeks ago at a birthday party for my husband's grandfather, my sister-in-law's husband (holy smokes that was a lot of family relationships) asked me who I would be voting for in the upcoming Republican Primary.  I wrongly told him I hadn't yet decided and then proceeded to launch into all of my political frustrations and anger.  I feel kind of badly for the way the conversation went.  He had no idea (nor did I for that matter) what was coming when he asked me such a simple question.  But I also feel badly that I gave the wrong answer.  I told him I hadn't yet made up my mind because I was on political hiatus and knew nothing about anyone.  Oops, the correct answer is: I won't be voting for anyone because I won't be voting in the Republican primary.  I'm not a Republican.  Please don't stone me.  At this point in my life I choose to not affiliate with a political party.  My ideas are all still young and my frustrations with parties are much too intense for me to make that kind of leap.  If it were an open primary, I'm certain I would vote in it.  I voted in the Democratic primary in 08 because I could.  Please, put your stones down and hear me out here.

One of my biggest frustrations with party politics right now is the big fat blame game.  I've come out of my political hiding and started listening to the news again in the mornings when I go to the gym.  This is only a small step I know, but it is a step.  Let me sum up for you what I heard this morning.  Republicans say that every single thing bad that has ever happened since 2008 is a direct result of President Obama.  Republicans also say that any good thing that has ever happened since 2008 happened in spite of President Obama.  Really, folks?  Is this how we're talking about our world now?  I'm not in love with President Obama's politics, and I'm not dismissing any blame (anyone else see my blame as ironic in this post?) from democrats.  What I'm saying is, WE NEED TO GROW UP!  I'm guessing that a large part, maybe even most, of what happened good or bad since 2008 has little to do with President Obama.  I hear people saying the President can't create jobs, but they'll only vote for someone who can create jobs.  The President has to cut spending and balance the budget, but please don't take away any services or find ways to increase revenue (I get that a lot of money is wasted, but I still think voters are a little ridiculous in their demands here).  May the man who stands in front of the most American flags during his campaign speeches win!  I don't love President Obama, but I don't think he hates America either.

I hear both parties touting their love for the Constitution and railing the other party for destroying it.  I think we've all started using the Constitution as a crutch and a means to make the other guy look bad.  We read what we want in it and conveniently disregard the rest.  In part of the conversation I had with my sister-in-law's husband he said that he didn't agree with one candidate's stance on abortion or some other social issue like that.  (please, don't misread this either, he's a great guy who is very involved and understands the importance of local and legislative politics, I highly respect his opinions).  Last time I looked at Article 2 of the Constitution, the President really has little Constitutional power to deal with social issues.  Maybe he can talk about it in his State of the Union address (which, by the way, was never intended to be a giant campaign speech, either).  He is not granted the power of chief legislator, or America's dictator, or God, or fairy godmother.  What he believes will not always come to pass in his presidency (please note that I refer to him and his because I'm lazy.  I think a woman president would be super cool and perfectly capable).  Honestly, I think it's high time we stop giving the President so much darn credit (good and bad) and see him for what he is, one man in a large government.  I think if we put the President in his place as voters then a lot will happen to put him in his place in the government.  But that means we have to stop looking at one person to fix all of our problems.  It also means we have to stop blaming one person for all of our problems.  Maybe that's just too much responsibility to take on.

I wish we could pay this much attention to our local elections and the elections of our representatives and senators who do have real power to deal with things like social issues..  I wish we could stop talking about who is the most conservative and who had an affair so we could find someone to be our president who has a decent head about foreign policy and can be a great Commander in Chief of our military.  I wish we could stop looking for someone to fix every single little problem so we could find someone with common sense instead.

Hard Things

I've decided to try something new.  Sunday Scriptures.  Every Sunday I find myself pondering some great truth that I'm truly thankful for.  I feel like my understanding and testimony have been strengthened.  And then we get home from Church.  And the week starts.  And pondering becomes less and less as the week goes on.  So this is my attempt to keep a little more.  Plus writing always helps me solidify my thoughts and understand what it is I'm really thinking. 

In 1st Nephi when Lehi tells his sons to go back to Jerusalem to get the plates from Laban, Laman and Lemuel complain.  Lehi reports that they tell him "it is a hard thing which I have required of them," and Lehi responds "behold, I have not required it of them, but it is a commandment of the Lord."  And then Nephi comes in all his glory to tell us that no matter what the Lord commands, He also prepares a way that we can keep or accomplish the commandment (1 Ne 3:5-7).  I've read this passage of scripture A LOT of times and in the past I've always thought Lehi was just telling Laman and Lemuel to buck up and be men.  If the Lord commands it, it means it's not hard.  After all, He even provides a way to accomplish it. 

Last week when I read this scripture, and then again when it was mentioned in Sunday School yesterday, I realized how wrong I was.  Lehi never denies that what is being asked is hard, he only corrects the misunderstanding that it was him doing the asking.  Nephi never jumps up and down and shouting for joy that the Lord has asked one more easy thing of them.  He never even says that the Lord will make it easy, he only says the Lord will make it possible. As I've continued in First Nephi I've been noticing how many times a bunch of stuff happens and then it says that it all came to pass while Lehi was living in a tent.  I think that's included so we realize that what they were doing wasn't easy, it was hard!  Over and over the Lord asked hard things of Lehi and his family.  They lived in tents wandering in the wilderness.  They didn't know where they were going.  They left their home and friends.  They were hungry.  They had babies IN THE WILDERNESS LIVING IN TENTS.  Nephi had to build a boat, he had never done that before.  They all had to be brave enough to get on the boat Nephi built even though he had never built a boat before.

It's easy to get down on Laman and Lemuel and think they're just a bunch of whiners who were too wimpy to leave their cushy life in Jerusalem.  But when I think about it, I probably would have whined too.  Maybe I wouldn't have gotten all violent and tried to kill my brother, but that's for another day.  The point is, the Lord asks us to do hard things.  And when He does, we have two choices.  We can either whine and ask why life is so hard, or we can have faith and ask the Lord for understanding.  Every time Nephi prayed to understand a prophesy or a commandment, he received an answer.  His faith never faltered through the hard things because he asked the right questions.  "I can do hard things" is a pretty common saying, but I don't think I can do hard things.  I think with enough faith and the help of my Savior I can do all that He asks of me, together we can do all things.

I've Got It, Yeah Baby I've Got It

Writer's block.  Or, blogger's block.  Or, when I want to write I can't make time and when I have time I can't write block.  Whatever it is, I've got it bad.  So today I'm participating in no-delete-Friday (idea stolen from here).  Whatever I write I'm posting and I don't care. And I'm writing whatever comes to mind.   So there.  Sounds like a high school writing exercise.  I guess those darn teachers really do stuff for a reason.

Dang it, I just failed at no-delete-Friday.  I did it again.  Here I go, for reals this time.  I have no idea what's going on in the election right now.  I'm disturbed by that.  I can blame it on not having TV and not listening much to the news on the radio.  But really, I could get my info the way 99% of the rest of Americans do.  Oh, and I don't get the news paper anymore.  But really, I think I'm just fed up.  And not with politics and politicians.  I'm fed up with people who follow politics.  I think voters are getting  just as slimy as they perceive politicians to be.  I'm sick of all the blaming.  People want the government to butt out of their lives but they don't want the government to stop paying for anything.  They want the government to control spending, but they won't tolerate cuts in programs or raised taxes (I get that the government can do a lot better managing the money it has, but still, lets get real.)  I don't think anything will change until we all grow up.  So what do I do?  Join the people I'm learning to loathe?  Or let them keep being the only ones participating?  I guess I should grow up and start participating again.

I wonder what would happen if I treated my body the way I treat my daughter's body.  I would eat a million times more fruits and veggies.  I would make sure I was getting adequate physical activity and rest.  Oh, and I would do it all out of a concern for my health, not the way I look.  I'm working on that.  I don't want my daughter to see me fussing about weight and pant size and does thsi make me look fat.  I want her to see me treat my body well because I recognize it's a gift from my Heavenly Father that I'm extremely grateful for and want to keep healthy.

Some days I wish I had a job.  I'm so thankful I get to stay home with M, don't get me wrong.  We were watching an episode of Scrubs the other day and JD told the Janitor that the next day he would still be cleaning the same spot on the floor, what the janitor did really didn't matter (way funnier on the show) and I realized sometimes I feel like the janitor.  Not that what I do doesn't matter, but that tomorrow you'll find me doing the same dishes, cleaning up the same toys, and changing the same diapers I did yesterday.  Some days I think about putting on my nice work clothes, taking them off at the end of the day, and hanging them up still clean in my closet.

I check on M every night before I go to bed.  Somehow watching her sleep puts it all in perspective and I go to bed every night feeling unreasonably blessed and content.

I think I'm a perfectionist.  Not the kind who wants to do everything right, but the kind who is utterly terrified at making a mistake.  I relive conversations long after they happen and I'm certain the other participant has forgotten, but I'm sure I've offended them or said something to make myself look like an idiot.  Same thing with writing.  Yikes.

I wonder who reads this blog.  I know there are 12 of you who are brave enough to admit it publicly, and a handful who even comment.  But who are the rest of you? 

Ok, I'm done.  It felt good to write, random as it was.  Hopefully my inability to write was temporary and my brains aren't really leaking out my ears. 

What Would You Do?

So I know I promised you some more substantive thoughts after the last post.  And I swear I'll get to them eventually.  But right now I only have a minute and have a question for you.  And I really want you to answer it.  Even if I don't know you.  I'm really curious.  So thanks in advance.

I have a spot on the back of my throat.  It's a white one.  The kind you get when you have strep.  Only my throat doesn't hurt and I certainly don't have strep.  Oh, and it's been there for probably close to a year.  I've been thinking lately about getting it checked out but I'm not sure.  Would you?  Is it worth paying a doctor visit when I'm not sick?  Is it weird that it's just there and won't go away?  Do you have a white spot on your throat and I just don't know?  What would you do?

ocd tendencies

One of my goals for 2012 is to revamp our family budget.  I want a more specific budget that is easier to follow and maintain.  I've been thinking about a bunch of other things besides money, but there's one big problem with my new budget plan that just keeps butting into my other thoughts.  So maybe when I get it worked out (I don't really obsess about it all day, it just keeps nagging) I'll be able to blog about something else.  There are some gospel/Christmas/New Year/goal related things I really want to write about but I need the ideas to be a little more solid before I just dive in.  I've been surprised since I started this blog how much I really think about gospel related topics.  I didn't think I would want to write about it that much, but turns out I want to write about it a lot.  Huh. 

Ok, so here's my budget dilemma that keeps nagging.  It's pretty silly.  I've revamped the actual budget template I'm using and I think it's going to be awesome.  However, my current budget months do not start on the 1st and end at the end of the month.  Pay day around here comes on the same two days of the month each month.  So my budget months go from first payday to first payday.  It's worked out great.  But I've been wondering if I should switch to a regular monthly budget.  But then my budget starts when we don't have a paycheck and I still have to grocery shop that week.  So then do I have to budget money from the last pay check of last month to roll over to the beginning of this month for groceries?  That seems complicated.  And an awful lot like I'm budgeting from first paycheck to first paycheck and not from month to month.  But once you get on a regular monthly budget is it easier to track?  And what about when the husband graduates and gets a different job?  I'm guessing payday won't be the same.  Will it be a smoother transition to different paychecks if my budget goes from the 1st to the end of the month?  It also bugs me that I'm still using my 2011 file right now even though it's 2012.  I want to start my new folders fresh with the new year.  Not on first paycheck day.  My ocd tendencies are starting to run into each other and cause problems.  Yikes.  I can't really believe I'm so bugged by this I'm actually writing it down.  But I'm going to post it anyway.  For the sake of writing and having an audience.  But I'm going to stop now so I don't make you think I'm crazier than you already do.  I'll be back with more substantive topics later.