I had a dream

It's no secret that being pregnant gives me some super crazy dreams.  With M it was nine months of flying, chasing, shooting dreams.  This time around I dream about lots and lots of people, most of whom I haven't seen in years.  This morning I dreamed about Scott and being rescued.  If you hang with me for just a second I promise there's a point to this.  In my dream we were driving in a canyon and had to go over a bridge which had incidentally started to crumble in some sort of landslide.  It was terrifying.  There were people everywhere needing to be rescued.  The place where we were wasn't safe and for some unknown dream reason we couldn't just drive out.  There was an avalanche coming in minutes (did I mention it was winter and in my dream you could time when an avalanche would come?).  It seemed we were all doomed.  And then I lost my husband.  I was shouting and running around like a mad woman.  I thought he ditched me to escape. After a few minutes (pause on the avalanche?) he came back.  He didn't escape, he came to the rescue.  On a motorcycle.  He made me get on and drive.  I wanted him to drive me, but he wouldn't.  He had more vehicles and there was more rescuing to be done.  He knew I could do it.  If I went on my own we would all be ok.  And I did it.  And I made it.  And people were rescued.  I was thrilled at all we accomplished.  And I woke up furious.  Where was my knight in shining armor?  Why didn't he listen to me when I said I was too afraid to drive on my own?  Why did he leave me?  I couldn't stop thinking about it all morning.  And then I realized that I married Scott, at least in part, because he's not a knight in shining armor and I'm not a damsel in distress. 

A few years ago I was reading book reports at a high school where I was doing some clinical work.  Most of the reports were on Twilight.  What I read terrified me.  High school girls praising these books, saying they were so glad to know there were men like Edward in the world.  They each wanted to hold out till they could be fragile, terrified, Bella Swan and their very own Edward came to the rescue.  Bleh.  I wanted to shout at these girls and shake them awake.  They can do better!  Women are not weak!  When a man sneaks into your room and watches you sleep it's creepy, not romantic! 

Scott was not my Edward.  He's way better than that.  He'll tell me to get on a motorcycle and ride because he knows I can do it.  He pushes me, in a good way, to try to new things and to grow.  And if I need a hand, he's always there to give it to me.  He respects my opinions and encourages my interests.  When it was time for us to decide if I would stay home with our daughter or work, it wasn't an automatic decision.  He recognized that there are things outside of being a mother that I love and am good at, and he respected that.  We talked a lot about it and decided together. He recognized and respected that for me staying home would be a sacrifice.  I know he would have respected and supported me if we decided I should go to work.  That's what I need as a woman, respect and support, not rescue.  If he respects and supports me I know he'll be there to catch me when I fall, and then help me up so I can try again.  In my dream he didn't neglect me.  I thought for a moment because he didn't treat me like stupid Bella Swan that he wasn't showing love for me.  But he sought me out first, showing me I was his first priority, the thing he loved the very most.  And then he had the confidence in me to let me go on my own.  He could see I didn't need to be carried.  Maybe I'm reading way too much into a silly dream, but I can't stop thinking about it.  I married the best kind of man.  Sure, sometimes I pine for a little more sappy romance in my life, but I wouldn't trade what I have for anything.

I wish the girls who are waiting for Edward could see what it's like to be with a Scott instead.  I wish that they could see how much greater it is to ride together as equal partners holding hands than to be carried all the time and put down as something weak or inferior.  I hope someday M finds a guy who respects and loves her because she's great and strong and wonderful, not because she needs to be rescued and makes him feel macho.  I hope this new little man that's about to join our family finds a girl someday who is great and strong and wonderful and loves him because they love being together and respect one another. 

I guess what I'm saying is, in the end I just want to ride off into the sunset holding hands, not being carried. 

they ran

Yesterday during Sacrament meeting as a speaker was briefly recounting the story of Christ's resurrection the Spirit brought to my memory a young women lesson we had a couple of months ago.  We were talking about the Plan of Salvation and I was with a group of girls assigned to read and talk about the resurrection.  We read the account from Matthew.  I was struck then and again yesterday by verse 8 "And they departed quickly from the sepulchre with fear and great joy: and did run to bring his disciples word." 

Mary and Mary were the first to hear the news that Christ had risen.  They were the first to see the living Christ.  They loved him.  They knew him.  They were true disciples.  When they had the opportunity to tell the news they did not hesitate.  They did not walk quietly.  They were not concerned that the apostles might be offended that they weren't told first, or that the angel didn't appear to them.  They felt fear, but joy also, and so they ran. 

As I was pondering this the Spirit testified to me that I know Christ.  I love him.  I have a testimony of his gospel.  It makes me feel joy.  Do I run to share the news or do I let fear conquer my joy?  I can do better.  I am so thankful for the Easter holiday.   I'm thankful that I was able to sing praises to my Savior and feel the Spirit confirm to me again that He indeed lives.  I have a testimony that because He lives we will all conquer death and my family can be eternal.  He paid the price for my sins.  He knows my weaknesses.  He has suffered all of my pains.  He loves me.  This knowledge brings me joy.  I am thankful for brave women before me who have had the courage to run and tell the good news. 

back

So April.  That was a while ago.  I didn't stop thinking about things, don't worry about that.  I just stopped writing about things.  It's been a crazy good time for my little family.  The dad in the house graduated and got a real job in his field (hallelujah!  We are so blessed!).  We bought a house.  We moved.  We painted.  We played our guts out with family and friends all summer long.  We celebrated another anniversary.  Our baby turned two.   I've survived two trimesters of pregnancy.  Life has been amazingly good to us.  We are happy. 

I don't always do well with change.  I'm a planner.  I like calendars and check lists and routine.  I've had a hard time finding my rhythm again with so much change so suddenly in my life.  Most of the time that's what I think about.  Finding rhythm and balance.  It's a little bit crazy and kind of overwhelming to so suddenly go from being starving students in a cheap apartment in a college town to being real grownups in a house with a garage in a neighborhood full of other real grownups with children (plural) and real jobs and, and, and.  Please don't take this as whining or complaining.  I love my life.  I love our new home and I especially love our new neighborhood.  I'm just trying to say that with all the adjusting and trying to feel on top of things again my balance, and especially my writing, have suffered.  Terribly.  And it's terribly painful to write right now because I'm so out of practice.  So forgive me for that.  But the truth is, I need to write.  I need to put thoughts on paper (or screen) to get them out of my head where I can make some sense of them.  I need to exercise my brain before it turns into play dough.  So I guess I'm saying I'm back.  And I hope you'll be patient with me while I find my voice again.

Repeat Offender

I often find myself coming to the Lord in prayer repenting for some sin for the 800th time and telling him that this time it's going to be different.  This time, I really do want to change this behavior.  I plead for his help in doing so.  I ask to recognize the promptings of the Spirit to gain strength as I try to change these behaviors.  And then I do great.  For a day, or a week, or maybe even a month.  And then those stinky little behaviors worm their way back into my life.  Habits that can't quite be rooted out.  And I find myself on my knees again.  Serious this time, I'm sure.

I'm certain I'm not the only repeat sinner in the world.  And I'm also certain that I probably can't lick every sin I recognize in one try.  But watching conference this weekend I realized (have you noticed that this blog is turning into the things I realize blog?  Perhaps I should rename it...) that my approach is often wrong.  When Donald L. Halstrom said that it's possible to be active in the church, but not the gospel, he really caught my attention.  I often focus too much on behavior and not enough on the cause of that behavior, good or bad.  I thought about Elder Uchtdorf telling us last Relief Society broadcast to remember the why of the gospel.  Actions truly are a symptom of something deeper.

During the stuff they have on between sessions on Sunday I was also struck by a sister talking about her road to overcoming her addiction to food.  She talked about the 12 step program being focused on having a change of heart.  She said she initially went with the intent to change her behavior,  not her heart.  Light bulb!  I go to the Lord and ask him to change my behavior, but I keep that little corner of my heart that was causing it, closed.  So of course it creeps back into my life.  Asking the Lord to help me change my behavior and not my heart is like asking a doctor to only treat the symptoms of a disease when he has the capacity to cure it.

I read this morning from Alma 5 about the mighty change of heart that comes with being converted to the gospel.  I hope my actions are good, but not because I want to live the gospel like some checklist, not because I want others to see that I'm a good member of the church, not because I'm afraid of the consequences if I miss a step. I hope my actions are good because they are a symptom of my heart being fully converted to and active in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. 

Even Nephi Needed Grace

A few weeks ago I had the chance to study 2 Nephi 4 in my personal study, our family study, and in Sunday school. I have always loved this passage of scripture.  The language is beautiful.  Nephi is honest and real.  My heart breaks for him in his tragic situation.  He just lost his father and now his brothers who he should be mourning with are becoming even more like enemies.  He starts his song in sorrow and ends by praising the Lord and reaffirming his faith. I've always looked up to Nephi as a perfect example.  I wish I had his faith, his obedience, his talent for pondering, and so many other things.

This time I saw something I hadn't noticed before in this chapter.  In verses 31-32 Nephi is asking the Lord to redeem his soul despite his shortcomings, "O Lord, wilt thou redeem my soul?  Wilt thou deliver me out of the hands of mine enemies?  Wilt thou make me that I may shake at the appearance of sin? 
May the gates of hell be shut continually before me, because that my heart is broken and my spirit is contrite!..." I have always and will continue to always look up to Nephi for his strength; however, in this passage he didn't cite his strength as merit for his salvation.  He pleaded to Heaven to be saved because his heart was broken and his spirit contrite.  He didn't say save me because I was the only one who was obedient.  He didn't say save me because I never lost faith.  He didn't say save me because my trials have been so hard.  He said save me because I'm doing all that I can do and repenting for the rest.  He understood and relied wholly on the Atonement of Jesus Christ for his salvation. 

I can and should look up to Nephi but I don't need to worry that I'm not as good as Nephi.  I'll probably never be as obedient and my faith will probably falter in ways his never did.  I may never learn to receive revelation the way he did.  But it doesn't matter.  The Lord asks for all we can do and then says his grace is sufficient for the rest.  My best and Nephi's best may not be the same, but the grace of Christ applies to us both equally.  I too can pray to be saved because my heart is broken and my spirit is contrite.  I can't be perfect on my own.  With Nephi I can rejoice in the strength of my Savior and pray for strength to become better.  The gospel of Jesus Christ isn't about comparing, it's not about being as good as someone else or meeting certain bench marks of righteousness to attain salvation.  It's about creating a partnership with our Savior and learning to live our lives with him.

clarity of thought, or wo unto the hyprocites, or my political repentance

The process of writing often helps me realize what it is I really think about something.  When I was a student writing papers it often occurred that I would finish up all 10 pages (why are papers always 10 pages?  And why was that never enough room for me?  Thoughts for another day...), write my conclusion, and then find my real thesis.  The next draft would start with the preceding draft's conclusion as introduction and the process would begin again.  Eventually I figured out what I really thought.

As I been pondered the last angry political post I realized, gasp, that I have some political repenting to do.  And not just about writing about a conversation without first asking the person (sorry sister-in-law's husband!).  I realized, although I think I've known it all along and just chose not to think too much about it, that my attitude is a big fat part of what I see as political problems.  I rant and rave about the blame game and polarization and extreme politics and then I sit on my tush and choose to do nothing.  I distance myself from voters who are willing to actively engage in the political process and stick my tongue out at them.  I won't play until they come to my playground.  I want a political party to look and think just like me before I'll step on board.  But here's the thing, it's never going to look or think anything close to me if I don't dive in and share what I think.  I complain about extreme politics, but people who are extremely conservative and extremely liberal are the only ones voting (hyperbole, I know).  Politicians appeal to the people who elect them.  If I want something different then I need to be loud enough that someone wants to appeal to me. 

So here's my plan: I'm not hiding from politics anymore.  I'm diving in.  I'm going to do something everyday to inform myself.  I'm not going to stop reading or change the radio station because I don't like the way someone is talking about something.  I'm going to push my anger aside and listen.  I'm going to try to see past the extreme way people talk about politics and see what the heart of the matter is.  I know I can't know everything, that's why we live in a Republic, folks.  But I can try to learn as much as is prudent for me in my situation.  And then I'm going to join a party.  And I'm going to vote in the primary.  And by a party, I mean the Republican party.  It's just that it still makes me a little queasy to think about and writing it makes it real.   This does not mean I will always vote strait ticket Republican and it does not mean that I love the Tea Party.  I'm joining this party because I feel it closer resembles me than the other alternatives.  I do plan on being as involved as I can be.  Like (eventually) getting involved at the local level and all that jazz. Because that's where my opinions can really be heard and actually mean something.  I'm going to stop letting other people's votes count for me.  

Maybe this isn't the best place or time, but I still do have issues with the party I'm about to join I need to get off my chest before I make the leap.  The hardest thing for me is that I feel like this party often misses that policy applies to people.  Social issues like immigration, abortion, same sex marriage, and even health care reform are not black and white issues to me.  I don't believe in abortion as a practice, but my heart aches for the woman who can't see another option.  I believe in the sanctity of traditional family, but it hurts when I see people who love each other and are denied basic rights that can be attained through a simple legal contract.  I believe in the law, but I also believe that immigrants are people, most of whom come here with noblest of intentions.  I'm not sure how I feel about health care reform, I do know that I'm an uninsured American and sometimes it sucks.  I don't necessarily disagree with Republican ideas on these issues, I do disagree with the way these issues are talked about.  Would it hurt to have a little compassion and recognize that we're messing with the way people make decisions and live their lives?  Can we acknowledge that these issues are complex and there's more than one side to the story and there might be more than one right answer and that any right answer will probably include compromise?  And can we please take notice that real people with real families live in countries with sucky governments we choose to go to war with? 
Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. 

Now that the confession is over, I need your help.  Where do you get your information?  What's your favorite way to stay informed?  I don't have all day to read, but I don't want to only read one perspective either.  Do you have a favorite news station or political blog?  Is there a great podcast I can subscribe to?  Thanks for your help!

Hi, my name is Kayce, and I'm not a Republican

A few weeks ago at a birthday party for my husband's grandfather, my sister-in-law's husband (holy smokes that was a lot of family relationships) asked me who I would be voting for in the upcoming Republican Primary.  I wrongly told him I hadn't yet decided and then proceeded to launch into all of my political frustrations and anger.  I feel kind of badly for the way the conversation went.  He had no idea (nor did I for that matter) what was coming when he asked me such a simple question.  But I also feel badly that I gave the wrong answer.  I told him I hadn't yet made up my mind because I was on political hiatus and knew nothing about anyone.  Oops, the correct answer is: I won't be voting for anyone because I won't be voting in the Republican primary.  I'm not a Republican.  Please don't stone me.  At this point in my life I choose to not affiliate with a political party.  My ideas are all still young and my frustrations with parties are much too intense for me to make that kind of leap.  If it were an open primary, I'm certain I would vote in it.  I voted in the Democratic primary in 08 because I could.  Please, put your stones down and hear me out here.

One of my biggest frustrations with party politics right now is the big fat blame game.  I've come out of my political hiding and started listening to the news again in the mornings when I go to the gym.  This is only a small step I know, but it is a step.  Let me sum up for you what I heard this morning.  Republicans say that every single thing bad that has ever happened since 2008 is a direct result of President Obama.  Republicans also say that any good thing that has ever happened since 2008 happened in spite of President Obama.  Really, folks?  Is this how we're talking about our world now?  I'm not in love with President Obama's politics, and I'm not dismissing any blame (anyone else see my blame as ironic in this post?) from democrats.  What I'm saying is, WE NEED TO GROW UP!  I'm guessing that a large part, maybe even most, of what happened good or bad since 2008 has little to do with President Obama.  I hear people saying the President can't create jobs, but they'll only vote for someone who can create jobs.  The President has to cut spending and balance the budget, but please don't take away any services or find ways to increase revenue (I get that a lot of money is wasted, but I still think voters are a little ridiculous in their demands here).  May the man who stands in front of the most American flags during his campaign speeches win!  I don't love President Obama, but I don't think he hates America either.

I hear both parties touting their love for the Constitution and railing the other party for destroying it.  I think we've all started using the Constitution as a crutch and a means to make the other guy look bad.  We read what we want in it and conveniently disregard the rest.  In part of the conversation I had with my sister-in-law's husband he said that he didn't agree with one candidate's stance on abortion or some other social issue like that.  (please, don't misread this either, he's a great guy who is very involved and understands the importance of local and legislative politics, I highly respect his opinions).  Last time I looked at Article 2 of the Constitution, the President really has little Constitutional power to deal with social issues.  Maybe he can talk about it in his State of the Union address (which, by the way, was never intended to be a giant campaign speech, either).  He is not granted the power of chief legislator, or America's dictator, or God, or fairy godmother.  What he believes will not always come to pass in his presidency (please note that I refer to him and his because I'm lazy.  I think a woman president would be super cool and perfectly capable).  Honestly, I think it's high time we stop giving the President so much darn credit (good and bad) and see him for what he is, one man in a large government.  I think if we put the President in his place as voters then a lot will happen to put him in his place in the government.  But that means we have to stop looking at one person to fix all of our problems.  It also means we have to stop blaming one person for all of our problems.  Maybe that's just too much responsibility to take on.

I wish we could pay this much attention to our local elections and the elections of our representatives and senators who do have real power to deal with things like social issues..  I wish we could stop talking about who is the most conservative and who had an affair so we could find someone to be our president who has a decent head about foreign policy and can be a great Commander in Chief of our military.  I wish we could stop looking for someone to fix every single little problem so we could find someone with common sense instead.

Hard Things

I've decided to try something new.  Sunday Scriptures.  Every Sunday I find myself pondering some great truth that I'm truly thankful for.  I feel like my understanding and testimony have been strengthened.  And then we get home from Church.  And the week starts.  And pondering becomes less and less as the week goes on.  So this is my attempt to keep a little more.  Plus writing always helps me solidify my thoughts and understand what it is I'm really thinking. 

In 1st Nephi when Lehi tells his sons to go back to Jerusalem to get the plates from Laban, Laman and Lemuel complain.  Lehi reports that they tell him "it is a hard thing which I have required of them," and Lehi responds "behold, I have not required it of them, but it is a commandment of the Lord."  And then Nephi comes in all his glory to tell us that no matter what the Lord commands, He also prepares a way that we can keep or accomplish the commandment (1 Ne 3:5-7).  I've read this passage of scripture A LOT of times and in the past I've always thought Lehi was just telling Laman and Lemuel to buck up and be men.  If the Lord commands it, it means it's not hard.  After all, He even provides a way to accomplish it. 

Last week when I read this scripture, and then again when it was mentioned in Sunday School yesterday, I realized how wrong I was.  Lehi never denies that what is being asked is hard, he only corrects the misunderstanding that it was him doing the asking.  Nephi never jumps up and down and shouting for joy that the Lord has asked one more easy thing of them.  He never even says that the Lord will make it easy, he only says the Lord will make it possible. As I've continued in First Nephi I've been noticing how many times a bunch of stuff happens and then it says that it all came to pass while Lehi was living in a tent.  I think that's included so we realize that what they were doing wasn't easy, it was hard!  Over and over the Lord asked hard things of Lehi and his family.  They lived in tents wandering in the wilderness.  They didn't know where they were going.  They left their home and friends.  They were hungry.  They had babies IN THE WILDERNESS LIVING IN TENTS.  Nephi had to build a boat, he had never done that before.  They all had to be brave enough to get on the boat Nephi built even though he had never built a boat before.

It's easy to get down on Laman and Lemuel and think they're just a bunch of whiners who were too wimpy to leave their cushy life in Jerusalem.  But when I think about it, I probably would have whined too.  Maybe I wouldn't have gotten all violent and tried to kill my brother, but that's for another day.  The point is, the Lord asks us to do hard things.  And when He does, we have two choices.  We can either whine and ask why life is so hard, or we can have faith and ask the Lord for understanding.  Every time Nephi prayed to understand a prophesy or a commandment, he received an answer.  His faith never faltered through the hard things because he asked the right questions.  "I can do hard things" is a pretty common saying, but I don't think I can do hard things.  I think with enough faith and the help of my Savior I can do all that He asks of me, together we can do all things.

I've Got It, Yeah Baby I've Got It

Writer's block.  Or, blogger's block.  Or, when I want to write I can't make time and when I have time I can't write block.  Whatever it is, I've got it bad.  So today I'm participating in no-delete-Friday (idea stolen from here).  Whatever I write I'm posting and I don't care. And I'm writing whatever comes to mind.   So there.  Sounds like a high school writing exercise.  I guess those darn teachers really do stuff for a reason.

Dang it, I just failed at no-delete-Friday.  I did it again.  Here I go, for reals this time.  I have no idea what's going on in the election right now.  I'm disturbed by that.  I can blame it on not having TV and not listening much to the news on the radio.  But really, I could get my info the way 99% of the rest of Americans do.  Oh, and I don't get the news paper anymore.  But really, I think I'm just fed up.  And not with politics and politicians.  I'm fed up with people who follow politics.  I think voters are getting  just as slimy as they perceive politicians to be.  I'm sick of all the blaming.  People want the government to butt out of their lives but they don't want the government to stop paying for anything.  They want the government to control spending, but they won't tolerate cuts in programs or raised taxes (I get that the government can do a lot better managing the money it has, but still, lets get real.)  I don't think anything will change until we all grow up.  So what do I do?  Join the people I'm learning to loathe?  Or let them keep being the only ones participating?  I guess I should grow up and start participating again.

I wonder what would happen if I treated my body the way I treat my daughter's body.  I would eat a million times more fruits and veggies.  I would make sure I was getting adequate physical activity and rest.  Oh, and I would do it all out of a concern for my health, not the way I look.  I'm working on that.  I don't want my daughter to see me fussing about weight and pant size and does thsi make me look fat.  I want her to see me treat my body well because I recognize it's a gift from my Heavenly Father that I'm extremely grateful for and want to keep healthy.

Some days I wish I had a job.  I'm so thankful I get to stay home with M, don't get me wrong.  We were watching an episode of Scrubs the other day and JD told the Janitor that the next day he would still be cleaning the same spot on the floor, what the janitor did really didn't matter (way funnier on the show) and I realized sometimes I feel like the janitor.  Not that what I do doesn't matter, but that tomorrow you'll find me doing the same dishes, cleaning up the same toys, and changing the same diapers I did yesterday.  Some days I think about putting on my nice work clothes, taking them off at the end of the day, and hanging them up still clean in my closet.

I check on M every night before I go to bed.  Somehow watching her sleep puts it all in perspective and I go to bed every night feeling unreasonably blessed and content.

I think I'm a perfectionist.  Not the kind who wants to do everything right, but the kind who is utterly terrified at making a mistake.  I relive conversations long after they happen and I'm certain the other participant has forgotten, but I'm sure I've offended them or said something to make myself look like an idiot.  Same thing with writing.  Yikes.

I wonder who reads this blog.  I know there are 12 of you who are brave enough to admit it publicly, and a handful who even comment.  But who are the rest of you? 

Ok, I'm done.  It felt good to write, random as it was.  Hopefully my inability to write was temporary and my brains aren't really leaking out my ears. 

What Would You Do?

So I know I promised you some more substantive thoughts after the last post.  And I swear I'll get to them eventually.  But right now I only have a minute and have a question for you.  And I really want you to answer it.  Even if I don't know you.  I'm really curious.  So thanks in advance.

I have a spot on the back of my throat.  It's a white one.  The kind you get when you have strep.  Only my throat doesn't hurt and I certainly don't have strep.  Oh, and it's been there for probably close to a year.  I've been thinking lately about getting it checked out but I'm not sure.  Would you?  Is it worth paying a doctor visit when I'm not sick?  Is it weird that it's just there and won't go away?  Do you have a white spot on your throat and I just don't know?  What would you do?

ocd tendencies

One of my goals for 2012 is to revamp our family budget.  I want a more specific budget that is easier to follow and maintain.  I've been thinking about a bunch of other things besides money, but there's one big problem with my new budget plan that just keeps butting into my other thoughts.  So maybe when I get it worked out (I don't really obsess about it all day, it just keeps nagging) I'll be able to blog about something else.  There are some gospel/Christmas/New Year/goal related things I really want to write about but I need the ideas to be a little more solid before I just dive in.  I've been surprised since I started this blog how much I really think about gospel related topics.  I didn't think I would want to write about it that much, but turns out I want to write about it a lot.  Huh. 

Ok, so here's my budget dilemma that keeps nagging.  It's pretty silly.  I've revamped the actual budget template I'm using and I think it's going to be awesome.  However, my current budget months do not start on the 1st and end at the end of the month.  Pay day around here comes on the same two days of the month each month.  So my budget months go from first payday to first payday.  It's worked out great.  But I've been wondering if I should switch to a regular monthly budget.  But then my budget starts when we don't have a paycheck and I still have to grocery shop that week.  So then do I have to budget money from the last pay check of last month to roll over to the beginning of this month for groceries?  That seems complicated.  And an awful lot like I'm budgeting from first paycheck to first paycheck and not from month to month.  But once you get on a regular monthly budget is it easier to track?  And what about when the husband graduates and gets a different job?  I'm guessing payday won't be the same.  Will it be a smoother transition to different paychecks if my budget goes from the 1st to the end of the month?  It also bugs me that I'm still using my 2011 file right now even though it's 2012.  I want to start my new folders fresh with the new year.  Not on first paycheck day.  My ocd tendencies are starting to run into each other and cause problems.  Yikes.  I can't really believe I'm so bugged by this I'm actually writing it down.  But I'm going to post it anyway.  For the sake of writing and having an audience.  But I'm going to stop now so I don't make you think I'm crazier than you already do.  I'll be back with more substantive topics later.

unfit to donate

I hate throwing things away.  One of my favorite things about the town where we live right now is curb side recycling. I'm a huge fan of donating - food, used clothing, whatever.  I dream about being amazing at re-purposing.  When I do my dishes I ponder over tupperware vs. plastic bags.

This morning I was putting away laundry and realized I have a ton of stuff just hanging out in my closet because I don't know what the heck to do with it.  Old layering shirts hang beside their new replacements, and their new replacements.  Shoes that have holes in the bottom and haven't been worn since before I was married are gathering dust.  I can't make myself throw them in the trash.  It seems like such a waste.  Am I sick?  Am I hording things that are unfit to donate?  I wouldn't dare take these things to the D.I. (like Goodwill, in case you don't live in UT).  So I'm asking you: what do you do with stuff when it's unfit to donate?  Are you an amazing re-purposer?  I don't need one more cleaning rag.  Help!

a pebble in my shoe

I've been thinking about this off and on since the Monday morning after the General Relief Society Broadcast.  It's been kind of like a pebble in my shoe.  Sometimes it moves around to an empty space and I don't notice it, other times it gets stuck by a toe and I notice a lot. 

I loved President Uchtdorf's talk at the broadcast as much as the next gal.  Sitting in the conference center I diligently wrote down the 5 things I should not forget.  Making special note to remember the "why" of the Gospel, as the Spirit whispered to me that in my checklist driven life, I could definitely use a little more focus on the why.  I thought about how remembering these things could help me improve my discipleship as I had committed to do after listening to Sister Beck.  I felt committed to really remember these five things.  To internalize them.  To truly forget them not. 

By the time Monday morning rolled around all I could see everywhere I looked was the 5 things I should not forget.  "Now, Kayce" you're certainly saying to yourself right now, "that's a good thing, isn't it?  Having a constant reminder of what you said you wanted to remember?"  And I guess you're right.  But here's the pebble: I can't shake the feeling that the talk that inspired so many women had been reduced to nothing more than home decor.  Not even two days after it had been given I could purchase countless different vinyl cuttings of five phrases to put on a freshly painted board and hang on my wall.  Did it even have time to sink in yet?  Was the first thought after the talk to apply the principles to our lives, or to think how cute they will look on the blank spot on the wall?  What font?  What color?  Will I get to purchase a new cricut cartridge?  Will it sell at a boutique? 

I'm not trying to judge or condemn.  I don't think there's anything wrong with giving ourselves visual reminders in our homes of gospel principles.  And I don't think it's bad if these things look nice, either.   We have even been encouraged to have a picture of a temple in every room.  I am a firm believer that what hangs on our walls, sits on our tables, and adorns our shelves, are reflections of who we are and what we value.   I just wonder sometimes if our culture has gotten to the point that the focus is on the craft and not the thing the craft is supposed to remind us of.  I want to do better than that.

fear not

In Relief Society we have been having lessons on the signs of the times, the Second Coming of Christ, and the Millennium.  We've been talking about a lot of scary things but the conversation has been hopeful, optimistic, and uplifting.  I saw this video on a cousin's blog (thanks for sharing, Tabbi!) and had to share.  Even when times get scary, perilous even, we can overcome our fears through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

Charity: part 2

We don't typically talk about having charity in our families or marriages.  Charity is always the love we have for someone else.  The kind of love that prompts a person to give their coat to a stranger or donate money to relief causes, not the kind of love I have for my husband.  It's hard to admit that I can love my husband more, or differently, than I do now.  Because I love him a lot already.  And I don't want that love to be the same as the love I have for everyone else.  And it feels like saying that I can have more means that I don't have enough now.  What a clever way for Satan to try to prevent me from making my great marriage even better.

Scott and I dated for a long time.  Long enough to have Valentine's Day traditions.  When we finally got engaged I could hardly believe it.  I was so grateful for this gift that my Heavenly Father was giving to me that I prayed and prayed to be worthy of it, to see him and love him the way my Heavenly Father and Savior see and love him.  I thought I couldn't love him anymore, but I was wrong.  My love grew when I prayed to have charity for the man who would (after 27 short days of engagement) become my husband.  Over the years (not that many, really) I forgot about that special experience and Charity went back to being the kind of love I'm supposed to have for strangers.  My love for Scott didn't stop growing, so I became complaisant about having charity.

But the more I read about charity, the more I realized that it needs to be in my home.  It is the perfect love to bind relationships together.  The Proclamation to the World on the Family states:
"Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children.  'Children are an heritage of the Lord.' Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live.  Husbands and wives-mothers and fathers-will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.
Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities."
I never noticed before how many times the word love is repeated in this document.  To me this looks like a beautiful description of having charity in our homes.
Moroni tells us that charity "suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things."

But what does this really look like in marriage?  True to the Faith admonishes: "In your relationships with family members and others, look to the Savior as your example.  Strive to love as He loves, with unfailing compassion, patience, and mercy.  As you continue to receive the Savior's perfect love and as you demonstrate Christlike love for others, you will find that your love increases."  I know that to be true.  Christ is our perfect example of charity and what it looks like to love each person equally but differently (I don't have to love my husband, children, and strangers the same way, even when I have charity for all of them).  Again from True to the Faith: "His crowing expression of charity was His infinite Atonement.  He said, 'Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends'.  This was the greatest act of long-suffering, kindness, and selflessness that we will ever know."  It is my testimony that this sacrifice was not an impersonal suffering for strangers.  Elder Bateman said, "...For many years I thought of the Savior's experience in the graden and on the cross as places where a large mass of sin was heaped upon him.  Through the words of Alma, Abinidi, Isaiah, and other prophets, however, my view has changed.  Instead of an impersonal mass of sin, there was a long line of people, as Jesus felt 'our infirmities' '[bore] our griefs,...carried our sorrows...[and] was bruised for our iniquities'... The Atonement was an intimate, personal experience in which Jesus came to know how to help each of us."  I don't believe Christ loves me more than you. I do believe he loves me differently than you.  Think of the way he tailored his ministry to meet the unique needs of all he came in contact with.  Even as he hung on the cross he showed great love for his mother, but that love was surely different than the love he had shown earlier in his ministry for the adulterous woman.  Having charity for my spouse does not have to look like having charity for a stranger, although I should have both. 

On My Mind: Charity

A few weeks ago the husband, M, and I were sitting the Stake President's office making nice small talk wondering who was getting what calling.  "Kayce, we'd like to ask you to speak in Stake Conference in two weeks."  Relief.  It didn't matter what he said next.  Topic: charity.  More small talk.  "Any specific direction you'd like me to go?" I finally think to ask realizing charity is a HUGE topic.  "Charity in marriage" he replied.  I was on such a relief high (last time we were in that office the husband got put into the Elder's Quorum presidency...well, 2 times ago, last time he was released because I was just called to be the Relief Society president.  Hope that helps you understand the level of relief I was feeling) that I just wrote it down without much thought and off we went.  And then on Monday, when I typed charity and marriage into the search on lds.org and my search yielded no results, reality hit.  I'm not going to lie, my talk didn't come together until Saturday afternoon (I was speaking Saturday night).  But I studied and studied and learned a lot and it came together (the topic, not so sure about the talk?) in a really profound way for me.  I can't stop thinking about it.  So I'm going to recreate it here for you.  I also want to flesh some ideas out that I didn't have time for in the talk, so I'm going to do a few posts so as not to bore you to death with pages and pages of a church talk in one sitting.  Feel free to read or not.  And it's still applicable if you're not married, this is about relationships here.

The first thing I realized on this adventure was that I really didn't really understand what charity is (embarrassing to admit?).  I know it's the pure love of Christ, but what does that really mean?  I know that it never fails, but never fails what?  I've spent so much time hearing and talking about what charity is not (an organization or merely an action) that I never spent much time thinking about what charity actually is.  Come to find out there are a myriad of definitions of charity that helped me understand it's depth and importance.  Like any internet savvy girl, I felt compelled to see what Google and Wikipedia had to tell me.  Come to find out Wikipedia thinks there are tow types of charity: the practice of charity and the virtue of charity.  Interesting.  I like to the think developing the virtue of charity leads to the practice of charity, even if Wikipedia means something different.  Here are some of the great definitions I found:

1- Charity is the pure love of Christ. Mornoi 7:47
2- "Charity is a gift of the Spirit which must be gained if one is to have salvation" Mormon Doctrine
3- "And above all things, clothe yourselves with the bond of charity, as with a mantle, which is the bond of perfectness and peace." D&C 85:125 uh, wow.  Think about that in the context of any important relationship- I want that.
4- "And above all these things, put on charity, which is the bond of perfectness" Colossians 3:14 -so great I had to include it twice.
5- "In Spanish the word chairty menas 'the love that never ceases to be.' In Micronesia the word love translates into 'the power to change lives.'" Barbara B. Smith
6- "Charity is our love for the Lord, shown through our acts fo service, patience, compassion, adn understanding for one another." I forgot to put the citation for that in my talk, if you really want it let me know and I can dig it up.
7- "Charity is 'the pure love of Christ,' or, 'everlasting love.'" True to the Faith
8- "True charity is love in action." Thomas S. Monson

I don't want to say too much about how any of the specific definitions impacted me as I was studying because I hope that they can mean something to you personally as you read them.  I don't want to taint your personal application. 

Charity never fails because it isn't finite.  There's no cap to the love that Christ has for me and there's no limit to my ability to tap into and share that love.  It never runs out.  Charity can never fail, I can only fail to have charity.

From the Polls

I voted yesterday.  I should be excited and proud.  I studied political science.  I take my rights seriously.  I enjoy politics.  I keep my "I voted" stickers.  But this time I'm kind of ashamed. 

I realized yesterday about noon that it was election day.  "Shoot" I thought to myself, "who's running?"  So during nap time I jumped online and found out who was running.  My motto: whoever can win me over in five minutes or under gets my vote.  I found my candidate.

I went to the church around the block after dinner to do my civic duty.  I was thrown off when I had to go to some other room at the end of the hall instead of the gym where voting usually takes place.  There were two kind women sitting at a table and one man in front of me.  The election booths looked pretty tired, not like they were holding high tech computerized voting equipment.  Because they weren't.  Ok, I can do the punch the hole in the ballot with the little stick thing.  Nope, not that either.  After kind lady number 2 practically had to rip my wallet from my hands because I forgot to actually show them my driver's license when I got it out she handed me a slip of paper folded in half.  I walked to a booth.

This is the part that should be easy.  Marking my choice with the provided red pen and walking back to the table.  But on the instructions rather than mark 1 it said to mark 3.  I quickly marked my first choice.  I chose that candidate because s/he was the only person I found in less than 5 minutes who said something real.  Everyone else just said, "I'm committed to the city, I love it, I want to be a public servant, I'm so cool, vote for me."  How could I choose two more?  I picked a woman because I feel like we need more representation in politics and want to encourage women who get involved.  I have no idea what she believes.  My third choice I picked because it seemed like everyone else was doing it.  And everyone else has lived where I live longer than I have, so they should know. 

I walked back to the nice ladies at the table but didn't dare make eye contact fearing they could see through my eyes into my uniformed voting soul.  One took my ballot and ripped a part off and handed it back to me.  "Do I put it in here?" I asked pointing to the box that obviously holds completed ballots.  Only if you want to vote she said, laughing.  I put my ballot in the box because it was the least embarrassing option.  "It's been a long day and I've never voted this way before" I quipped and almost ran out of the room.

The whole time I was cleaning up dinner and doing the dishes I thought about how ridiculous my decision calculus was and argued with myself if it would have been better to have just stayed home.  On a positive note, I now have an "I Voted" sticker in my new wallet.

An Education On Low Income

During the school year my family is a low income family (side note: sometimes it's still weird to write "my family" and not mean my parents and siblings.  Am I really old enough to have a family of my own?).  During the years of living under this socioeconomic label I've gained a pretty good education of what it means to be "low income," or at least what it means for my family.  And, unfortunately, I feel the need to share my education with a bunch of people who have clearly been miseducated about this label.  Pardon my rant.

Lets start out with some synonyms (I am, afterall, licensed to teach English in the state of Utah).  Low income is not synonymous with low intelligence, low education, low morals, low responsibility, low respect, or low self respect.  According to thefreedictionary.com, the phrase low income is defined as "Of or relating to individuals or households supported by an income that is below average."  Low income should not denote an unwillingness to pay bills or work hard, laziness, the mismanagement of money, the inability to have children on purpose or the knowledge of how to plan a family, bad parenting, bad budgeting, or "mooching."  

In my family "low income" means that we are sacrificing now so we can have a better life later.  It means that our vehicles are 15 and 18 years old, but they don't belong to the bank.  It means that we don't eat out or shop at the mall.  It means that we budget like mad.  It means that we work and save like crazy during the Summer so we can have enough during the school year.  It means that we don't take elaborate vacations or have a flat screen TV.  It means that we live in cheap apartment that we can afford.  It means that we choose not to pay for cable.  It means that I actually read books from the library.  My home is clean.  We pay our own rent.  Our bills are paid on time and in full each month.  We eat healthy food.  We wear clean clothing.  We have fun as a family.  We are abundantly blessed with much more than we "need."  My choice to not work is a choice to forgo some of our wants now so I can raise my daughter.  It is not a choice to be lazy or not take care of my family.  It does not mean I don't respect or desire to use my degree. 


Class dismissed.

no small miracle

I've often wondered why it is no one can visit my house when it's clean.  My house is frequently, even mostly, clean.  But whenever someone stops by unexpectedly, it's a disaster.  There is always a pile of dirty diapers to greet them at the front door, toys and cereal strewn on the carpet, and something has inevitably just died in the garbage can.  If they venture past the front door, and then past the living room, they'll find lunch still on the table, last nights dinner remnants still under and around the highchair, and a sink full of dirty dishes.  Oh, and did I mention the smell radiating from the garbage can?  But the funniest thing is, if they just would have come the day before, or even a few hours before, the house would have been clean.  No dishes, toys put away, floor swept, no gross garbage smell.  What gives?  Am I the only one?  Does Murphy just hate me?

But last night a miracle occurred.  M and I were sitting down eating dinner (the dad was still at school, lame) when I heard some talking just past our back fence.  And then I heard a chain saw.  So I looked out and saw that our amazing (not even being sarcastic, he really is amazing) landlord and his wife had come to trim the trees in our backyard.  After dinner we went out to say hi and he mentioned that the water needed to be turned off.  If it wasn't a bad time for him, I told him it was fine for him to do it then.  After the tree trimmer (or butchering, really, but that's another story) he came in to the house just as we were leaving.  Toys put away, floor vacuumed earlier that day, the only smell to greet him was from dinner.  No dishes in the sink, no ancient meals under the high chair.  And it wasn't even sprint cleaning because I knew he was there.  He just came when the house was clean.  You may be laughing, but really, that's no small miracle.

Monday isn't a four letter word

I know it's not really politically correct to admit that I love Mondays.  I'm supposed to whine and complain that the weekend is over and I'm dreading the next five days.  But here's the deal: I do love Monday.  Especially Monday morning.  On Monday morning I'm an optimist.  Nothing has ruined my week yet.  I'm still thinking about uplifting church talks.  I'm refreshed from the weekend and ready to dive back into my routine.  My to do list seems more doable.  On Monday I'm certain I can be kinder, read my scriptures more, keep my house clean all week, make dinner every night, save money; on Mondays, I can do anything.  Maybe you can just do me a favor and keep it a secret that Monday happens to be my favorite day of the week.  Or maybe you can come out and just admit it: you love Mondays too.