I often find myself coming to the Lord in prayer repenting for some sin for the 800th time and telling him that this time it's going to be different. This time, I really do want to change this behavior. I plead for his help in doing so. I ask to recognize the promptings of the Spirit to gain strength as I try to change these behaviors. And then I do great. For a day, or a week, or maybe even a month. And then those stinky little behaviors worm their way back into my life. Habits that can't quite be rooted out. And I find myself on my knees again. Serious this time, I'm sure.
I'm certain I'm not the only repeat sinner in the world. And I'm also certain that I probably can't lick every sin I recognize in one try. But watching conference this weekend I realized (have you noticed that this blog is turning into the things I realize blog? Perhaps I should rename it...) that my approach is often wrong. When Donald L. Halstrom said that it's possible to be active in the church, but not the gospel, he really caught my attention. I often focus too much on behavior and not enough on the cause of that behavior, good or bad. I thought about Elder Uchtdorf telling us last Relief Society broadcast to remember the why of the gospel. Actions truly are a symptom of something deeper.
During the stuff they have on between sessions on Sunday I was also struck by a sister talking about her road to overcoming her addiction to food. She talked about the 12 step program being focused on having a change of heart. She said she initially went with the intent to change her behavior, not her heart. Light bulb! I go to the Lord and ask him to change my behavior, but I keep that little corner of my heart that was causing it, closed. So of course it creeps back into my life. Asking the Lord to help me change my behavior and not my heart is like asking a doctor to only treat the symptoms of a disease when he has the capacity to cure it.
I read this morning from Alma 5 about the mighty change of heart that comes with being converted to the gospel. I hope my actions are good, but not because I want to live the gospel like some checklist, not because I want others to see that I'm a good member of the church, not because I'm afraid of the consequences if I miss a step. I hope my actions are good because they are a symptom of my heart being fully converted to and active in the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
