Repeat Offender

I often find myself coming to the Lord in prayer repenting for some sin for the 800th time and telling him that this time it's going to be different.  This time, I really do want to change this behavior.  I plead for his help in doing so.  I ask to recognize the promptings of the Spirit to gain strength as I try to change these behaviors.  And then I do great.  For a day, or a week, or maybe even a month.  And then those stinky little behaviors worm their way back into my life.  Habits that can't quite be rooted out.  And I find myself on my knees again.  Serious this time, I'm sure.

I'm certain I'm not the only repeat sinner in the world.  And I'm also certain that I probably can't lick every sin I recognize in one try.  But watching conference this weekend I realized (have you noticed that this blog is turning into the things I realize blog?  Perhaps I should rename it...) that my approach is often wrong.  When Donald L. Halstrom said that it's possible to be active in the church, but not the gospel, he really caught my attention.  I often focus too much on behavior and not enough on the cause of that behavior, good or bad.  I thought about Elder Uchtdorf telling us last Relief Society broadcast to remember the why of the gospel.  Actions truly are a symptom of something deeper.

During the stuff they have on between sessions on Sunday I was also struck by a sister talking about her road to overcoming her addiction to food.  She talked about the 12 step program being focused on having a change of heart.  She said she initially went with the intent to change her behavior,  not her heart.  Light bulb!  I go to the Lord and ask him to change my behavior, but I keep that little corner of my heart that was causing it, closed.  So of course it creeps back into my life.  Asking the Lord to help me change my behavior and not my heart is like asking a doctor to only treat the symptoms of a disease when he has the capacity to cure it.

I read this morning from Alma 5 about the mighty change of heart that comes with being converted to the gospel.  I hope my actions are good, but not because I want to live the gospel like some checklist, not because I want others to see that I'm a good member of the church, not because I'm afraid of the consequences if I miss a step. I hope my actions are good because they are a symptom of my heart being fully converted to and active in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. 

Even Nephi Needed Grace

A few weeks ago I had the chance to study 2 Nephi 4 in my personal study, our family study, and in Sunday school. I have always loved this passage of scripture.  The language is beautiful.  Nephi is honest and real.  My heart breaks for him in his tragic situation.  He just lost his father and now his brothers who he should be mourning with are becoming even more like enemies.  He starts his song in sorrow and ends by praising the Lord and reaffirming his faith. I've always looked up to Nephi as a perfect example.  I wish I had his faith, his obedience, his talent for pondering, and so many other things.

This time I saw something I hadn't noticed before in this chapter.  In verses 31-32 Nephi is asking the Lord to redeem his soul despite his shortcomings, "O Lord, wilt thou redeem my soul?  Wilt thou deliver me out of the hands of mine enemies?  Wilt thou make me that I may shake at the appearance of sin? 
May the gates of hell be shut continually before me, because that my heart is broken and my spirit is contrite!..." I have always and will continue to always look up to Nephi for his strength; however, in this passage he didn't cite his strength as merit for his salvation.  He pleaded to Heaven to be saved because his heart was broken and his spirit contrite.  He didn't say save me because I was the only one who was obedient.  He didn't say save me because I never lost faith.  He didn't say save me because my trials have been so hard.  He said save me because I'm doing all that I can do and repenting for the rest.  He understood and relied wholly on the Atonement of Jesus Christ for his salvation. 

I can and should look up to Nephi but I don't need to worry that I'm not as good as Nephi.  I'll probably never be as obedient and my faith will probably falter in ways his never did.  I may never learn to receive revelation the way he did.  But it doesn't matter.  The Lord asks for all we can do and then says his grace is sufficient for the rest.  My best and Nephi's best may not be the same, but the grace of Christ applies to us both equally.  I too can pray to be saved because my heart is broken and my spirit is contrite.  I can't be perfect on my own.  With Nephi I can rejoice in the strength of my Savior and pray for strength to become better.  The gospel of Jesus Christ isn't about comparing, it's not about being as good as someone else or meeting certain bench marks of righteousness to attain salvation.  It's about creating a partnership with our Savior and learning to live our lives with him.

God isn't a bully and we aren't ants

Sometimes it can be easy to picture God as a bully over an ant hill, picking out unsuspecting and helpless ants to burn with his giant magnifying glass. Especially as women, we almost always think most (or magnify) all of the things we don't have or do or do well enough. My house isn't clean enough. I don't read my scriptures enough. I don't spend enough quality time with my kid. The list goes on and on and on. We feel frustrated and judged. After all, God is the ultimate judge and He expects perfection. And we all know that Jane next door has already achieved perfection with her spotlessly clean home and charming family home evenings. So that means God must be looking at me through his magnifying glass and seeing all the dirty laundry and potentially inappropriate media in my living room.

While I don't believe that God will turn a blind eye to my shortcomings, I do believe the perception of Him as a bully spending His time in the heavens tallying up every mistake I make and waiting for the next one, laughing as I squirm under his magnifying glass, is also wrong.

John 3:16 is perhaps one of the most famous and oft quoted scriptures in all of Christianity (I'm totally making that up, I have no evidence). "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." Hallelujah! But that's not all. John 3:17 (by my uniformed estimation probably the least famous and least oft quoted scripture in all of Christianity) tells me God's motivations. "For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved." I am not an unsuspecting and helpless ant. God is not a bully with a magnifying glass. He is my loving Father who wants me to return safely to Him. He watches me, not to burn me on my mistakes, but to make sure I'm ok. He gave me a Savior because He knew I couldn't do it alone. I mess up every day and that's ok. He does expect perfection. But not right now, and not by my work alone, and certainly not perfection compared to Jane next door.

I probably spend a little too much time thinking about all the things I do wrong and how I can fix them. I need to do plenty of repenting in my life, but not alone, and not out of fear of punishment, and not so I can live up to Jane next door! God loves me so much that He sent me a savior, my older brother, to help me. He loves me so much that he sees the good with the mistakes. His work and glory are to bring me back to Him to receive immortality and eternal life. There are plenty of bullies on the earth. God certainly isn't one of them.