I had a dream

It's no secret that being pregnant gives me some super crazy dreams.  With M it was nine months of flying, chasing, shooting dreams.  This time around I dream about lots and lots of people, most of whom I haven't seen in years.  This morning I dreamed about Scott and being rescued.  If you hang with me for just a second I promise there's a point to this.  In my dream we were driving in a canyon and had to go over a bridge which had incidentally started to crumble in some sort of landslide.  It was terrifying.  There were people everywhere needing to be rescued.  The place where we were wasn't safe and for some unknown dream reason we couldn't just drive out.  There was an avalanche coming in minutes (did I mention it was winter and in my dream you could time when an avalanche would come?).  It seemed we were all doomed.  And then I lost my husband.  I was shouting and running around like a mad woman.  I thought he ditched me to escape. After a few minutes (pause on the avalanche?) he came back.  He didn't escape, he came to the rescue.  On a motorcycle.  He made me get on and drive.  I wanted him to drive me, but he wouldn't.  He had more vehicles and there was more rescuing to be done.  He knew I could do it.  If I went on my own we would all be ok.  And I did it.  And I made it.  And people were rescued.  I was thrilled at all we accomplished.  And I woke up furious.  Where was my knight in shining armor?  Why didn't he listen to me when I said I was too afraid to drive on my own?  Why did he leave me?  I couldn't stop thinking about it all morning.  And then I realized that I married Scott, at least in part, because he's not a knight in shining armor and I'm not a damsel in distress. 

A few years ago I was reading book reports at a high school where I was doing some clinical work.  Most of the reports were on Twilight.  What I read terrified me.  High school girls praising these books, saying they were so glad to know there were men like Edward in the world.  They each wanted to hold out till they could be fragile, terrified, Bella Swan and their very own Edward came to the rescue.  Bleh.  I wanted to shout at these girls and shake them awake.  They can do better!  Women are not weak!  When a man sneaks into your room and watches you sleep it's creepy, not romantic! 

Scott was not my Edward.  He's way better than that.  He'll tell me to get on a motorcycle and ride because he knows I can do it.  He pushes me, in a good way, to try to new things and to grow.  And if I need a hand, he's always there to give it to me.  He respects my opinions and encourages my interests.  When it was time for us to decide if I would stay home with our daughter or work, it wasn't an automatic decision.  He recognized that there are things outside of being a mother that I love and am good at, and he respected that.  We talked a lot about it and decided together. He recognized and respected that for me staying home would be a sacrifice.  I know he would have respected and supported me if we decided I should go to work.  That's what I need as a woman, respect and support, not rescue.  If he respects and supports me I know he'll be there to catch me when I fall, and then help me up so I can try again.  In my dream he didn't neglect me.  I thought for a moment because he didn't treat me like stupid Bella Swan that he wasn't showing love for me.  But he sought me out first, showing me I was his first priority, the thing he loved the very most.  And then he had the confidence in me to let me go on my own.  He could see I didn't need to be carried.  Maybe I'm reading way too much into a silly dream, but I can't stop thinking about it.  I married the best kind of man.  Sure, sometimes I pine for a little more sappy romance in my life, but I wouldn't trade what I have for anything.

I wish the girls who are waiting for Edward could see what it's like to be with a Scott instead.  I wish that they could see how much greater it is to ride together as equal partners holding hands than to be carried all the time and put down as something weak or inferior.  I hope someday M finds a guy who respects and loves her because she's great and strong and wonderful, not because she needs to be rescued and makes him feel macho.  I hope this new little man that's about to join our family finds a girl someday who is great and strong and wonderful and loves him because they love being together and respect one another. 

I guess what I'm saying is, in the end I just want to ride off into the sunset holding hands, not being carried. 

they ran

Yesterday during Sacrament meeting as a speaker was briefly recounting the story of Christ's resurrection the Spirit brought to my memory a young women lesson we had a couple of months ago.  We were talking about the Plan of Salvation and I was with a group of girls assigned to read and talk about the resurrection.  We read the account from Matthew.  I was struck then and again yesterday by verse 8 "And they departed quickly from the sepulchre with fear and great joy: and did run to bring his disciples word." 

Mary and Mary were the first to hear the news that Christ had risen.  They were the first to see the living Christ.  They loved him.  They knew him.  They were true disciples.  When they had the opportunity to tell the news they did not hesitate.  They did not walk quietly.  They were not concerned that the apostles might be offended that they weren't told first, or that the angel didn't appear to them.  They felt fear, but joy also, and so they ran. 

As I was pondering this the Spirit testified to me that I know Christ.  I love him.  I have a testimony of his gospel.  It makes me feel joy.  Do I run to share the news or do I let fear conquer my joy?  I can do better.  I am so thankful for the Easter holiday.   I'm thankful that I was able to sing praises to my Savior and feel the Spirit confirm to me again that He indeed lives.  I have a testimony that because He lives we will all conquer death and my family can be eternal.  He paid the price for my sins.  He knows my weaknesses.  He has suffered all of my pains.  He loves me.  This knowledge brings me joy.  I am thankful for brave women before me who have had the courage to run and tell the good news. 

back

So April.  That was a while ago.  I didn't stop thinking about things, don't worry about that.  I just stopped writing about things.  It's been a crazy good time for my little family.  The dad in the house graduated and got a real job in his field (hallelujah!  We are so blessed!).  We bought a house.  We moved.  We painted.  We played our guts out with family and friends all summer long.  We celebrated another anniversary.  Our baby turned two.   I've survived two trimesters of pregnancy.  Life has been amazingly good to us.  We are happy. 

I don't always do well with change.  I'm a planner.  I like calendars and check lists and routine.  I've had a hard time finding my rhythm again with so much change so suddenly in my life.  Most of the time that's what I think about.  Finding rhythm and balance.  It's a little bit crazy and kind of overwhelming to so suddenly go from being starving students in a cheap apartment in a college town to being real grownups in a house with a garage in a neighborhood full of other real grownups with children (plural) and real jobs and, and, and.  Please don't take this as whining or complaining.  I love my life.  I love our new home and I especially love our new neighborhood.  I'm just trying to say that with all the adjusting and trying to feel on top of things again my balance, and especially my writing, have suffered.  Terribly.  And it's terribly painful to write right now because I'm so out of practice.  So forgive me for that.  But the truth is, I need to write.  I need to put thoughts on paper (or screen) to get them out of my head where I can make some sense of them.  I need to exercise my brain before it turns into play dough.  So I guess I'm saying I'm back.  And I hope you'll be patient with me while I find my voice again.