Paralyzed

When I worked at the insurance office I would go to work everyday with a specific set of tasks that needed to be performed.  I knew exactly what needed to be done before lunch, by the end of the day, and what could be put off until tomorrow if I was too busy.  I knew I was getting paid $10 an hour to do those things (and I thought I would do anything for 10 bucks when I was a kid).  I knew if those things didn't get done, no one else would do them.  We would get in trouble with underwriters, clients would be upset, and I could lose my $10 job.

When I was a student I knew what I had to do each day to get my work complete for school.  Everything had a specific due date with a specific amount of points attached.  I knew what was most important and what could be put off till later.  I knew I was earning grades that would eventually earn me a piece of paper that would allow me to pay for another piece of paper from the state that would say I was legally qualified and background checked enough to get a job at a school that would pay me more than $10 an hour.  I knew if I messed up I would get bad grades hindering my ability to earn said pieces of paper.

Now I'm a stay at home mom.  I know what needs to be done everyday.  But there aren't enough hours.  I'm not getting paid $10 an hour and no task has a point value attached.  Sometimes I'm paralyzed.  My work is never finished so I don't feel like I can do anything else.  But I don't always feel like working (read: doing the dishes).  So then the work's not done and I'm not doing it and I'm not doing anything else that I want to do.  I had to overcome said paralysis to even write about it (although the my kitchen and living room are clean to total cleanliness right now.  Wait 10 minutes, it will change).  I love structure.  I love having a work day with set hours.  I love due dates and prioritizing with points.  I'm learning how to prioritize and balance a day when I have charge over my time.  Although I've been tempted to set point values to housework I've resisted.  But it's hard.  And it can be discouraging.  And redundant.  And super awesome at the same time.  I guess this whole balance thing is something we have to work on forever.  Because something will always change.  Something else will always need to be done.  And needs and wants will fluctuate till the second coming.

Maybe this is part of the reason my time budget experiment failed.  Because time isn't exactly like money.  You can't save it for something big.  It just keeps going even if you're not doing anything.  You can't predict when you'll be sick, or when a baby just needs to be played with way more than the dishes need to be done.  And some days you'll just spend the whole day in the kitchen.  Or be busy all day and look back wondering what you accomplished.  Or ditch everything and play at the park instead.  And there are no receipts to keep and track.  No accounts to balance and reconcile.  And sometimes you do so much at once you don't know how to write it down.  There is no time credit card or signature loan.  And it's beautiful.  Because it's not the time that matters, it's the people and relationships.  I'm really rambling now and wondering into different posts.  But my brain can't wrap this up all neatly yet.  Maybe it will all come together neatly later, but not right now.  So I'm going to stop.  Just like that.